I have actually lost track of the amount of stupid customers we all had to endure over the “festive” period. Honestly they just don’t seem to take a break from it. Xmas eve … the store closes at 6pm. As we are shut for two days the counters have be totally shut down … no stock carried over, deep cleaned etc. So we start winding down around midday. By 2pm there is nothing on sale. Now when I say nothing …. there is not one single thing along all the counters, staff are cleaning, everyone is getting ready to go home and start enjoying xmas with their loved ones. Along comes a chap in need of some black pudding. He asks me for some and whilst pointing down to the blatantly empty counter I explain I have nothing left. I then let him know he can find it prepacked down aisle 20. He says he has already been there and they have sold out. I say that I’m sorry but as I said there is nothing left on the counter, He then asks if he can buy the black pudding on the back wall. I answer “no sir, as its made of plastic”.

Its amazing how many people come to the hot chicken and ask what is available (despite the signage telling them exactly what we have on offer) then when they are told there are plain chickens, barbeque chickens or extra tasty chickens they have to ask “what is the difference between bbq and extra tasty?” They are clearly different flavours … why would you ever need this explained to you. Plain stupidity. Plain as the plain chickens on my counter. Which are not bbq. Or extra tasty.

Try not to punch stupid people. Back next week xx

Its actually totally acceptable that this post is a day late as lil fella didn’t go back to school until today so technically today is the first day of the school week therefore monday so I’m not even late really. Hmmm maybe I am … but it’s my website and if I feel like posting late I will dammit!

Rant over … fish update. All three tank buds are swimming along very happily. Obi Wan Kefishbi and Anakfin don’t seem to be growing at all despite eating a huge amount of food. I am monitoring the tank closely to ensure they get their fair share. This just prompted me … I really need to change the water. Think I’ll do so later.

As I failed to avoid I’m a celeb get me out of here I vowed to avoid celeb big brother. However … I cant help it. Love it. Although having watched last nights episode I feel I owe my family an apology. The show last night was a “talent” showcase. The housemates all did a little turn showing of what they are famous for. Coolio does gangsta paradise, the one from sugababes sings, the one from liberty x sings. Then up steps Latoya Jackson. Takes the mic and “sings” the Michael Jackson song wanna be startin something. Now I don’t believe my boxing day singstar performance was anywhere close as bad as hers but I’m aware my singing isn’t great. So sorry to the family for having to endure that.

Speaking of boxing day …. I got my man guitar hero for xmas. It is the most fun ever … Love it. I started out really bad at it but have now progressed to medium and am very proud. Michael has mastered it on hard and to be honest I don’t think I will ever be that good!

Off to take down the tree now. I hope its easier than last year. In the words of Brian “Choccy” McClair … So long, and thanks for the fish

xx

Just a quick update to wish everyone a very happy new year. I hope 2009 brings happiness, good times and great memories for all.

Normal HQ will resume next week so check back monday. Until then … sleep off the hangovers and don’t forget the new years resolutions.

xx

I need to start with an apology for the lack of stupid customers on Thursday. This is mainly due to the fact I have been laid out with flu and haven’t been able to do much let alone concentrate on typing for any length of time. Also, customers this week have been not so much stupid or even mildly annoying but actually damn right rude. Example. Yesterday was a very very busy day, the store was heaving and I was on my knee’s filling the double cream. If I didn’t do this, there would be none on sale so it’s not like I was doing it for fun, I was doing it to help all the customers who would be after purchasing some of the double cream. As I am filling a customer whacks me around the head with her handbag, I look up at her and say “excuse me?!” to which she looks at me like I just hit her with a bag. No sorry. Nothing. The day goes on being trodden on, run into and pushed over by various customers. Naturally lots of “excuse me can you tell me where ….. is?” Now normally I don’t mind this at all. But after four different customers didn’t say thank you after I helped them I took to shouting “You’re welcome … have a lovely Christmas” really loud in an effort to shame them. I don’t think it made the blindest bit of difference but somehow it got me through the day.

With the Christmas period firmly here this will be the last post until next Monday. So I shall take this moment to wish you all a very merry Christmas. I hope Santa brings you all what you want …. but only if you have been good!

merry xmas xx

So Christmas is now firmly upon us. At this time of year its impossible not to think back to when I was a child and Christmas was the most exciting time of the year. The feeling going to bed that you would never actually be able to fall asleep and the way you are so hyper you just want to clench your fist shaking and screaming. My sister and I would always rise early then wake our parents. They would then go downstairs and we would wait for what felt like a lifetime while they made tea and coffee. They would shout up “oh dear looks like you two will be disappointed this year” then finally they would shout to come down and there would be a mad dash into the living room where a mountain of pressies would surround the fireplace. It amazing how vividly I remember all the “main gifts” santa bought me. From my fisher price boot house to my table football. From Kenneth the cabbage patch kid to the multi storey lego car park.

So many great Christmases its too tough to pick a favourite. As hard going as work becomes in the build up to a two day closedown (how will people survive?!) I think back to all these great memories and remember what this time of year is really about.

The fish seem unmoved by the festive period. I can’t say I’m surprised. Maybe if the lights on the trees worked the blinking may amuse/distract them but they don’t!! I’m now wondering if there is any chance that one of the fish is a lady fish and am hoping that next year may bring some baby fishes. Of course I shall be revisiting wikipedia to learn all I need to know on baby fish care but it will be worth it.

Me and my man have decided that since Lego Batman finished Star Wars Lego is definitely the way forward. Unfortunately he is too poorly to play at the moment so I am amusing myself with My Simms on the wii. Now I am totally aware that technically this game is for children but I’m more than a little bit hooked. I somehow managed to play for over three hours last night (hence the Monday hq update coming this morning) If only life was as simple as it is in that game. Need a new house … I just build one. Want to decorate throughout … I just need to catch stuff of trees to do so. Furniture …No problemo! Apparently I am a fully trained carpenter. No money required … that’s the kind of life I need!

Well that’s my random ramblings of the day. Must go get the lil fella to school. And maybe get myself ready … for a few more hours of My Simms!

Merry Xmas Countdown All xx

I had to work last Sunday. Sunday’s are never great days but generally they move on pretty quick so I don’t mind so much. This Sunday a lady comes to my hot deli. She is wearing an overly furry hat which annoys me but still I greet her with a smile and offer her my service. She asks do I have any chicken breasts. Reasonable request. I reply “sorry no breasts today, in the way of small pieces I have flavoured thighs or kebabs”. She puzzles on this choice then asks “What part of the chicken does the thigh come from?” My eyes widen in disbelief as I explain the THIGH is the THIGH which is the upper part of the leg. She then adds”oh that’s not the breast is it?!” No darling its the thigh. She says not to worry and wanders off. I am grateful the stupid exchange is over but my relief was short lived as she stops, right in front of the HAM. Whilst standing in front of the HAM she calls down to me “Is this where I get the ham from?” I call down to Hannah to serve the woman as I am unable to endure her any longer, she has given me more than enough ammo for one website post!

Also amusing stupidity from the same day. Myself and my man finished work just after 5pm on Sunday. It was a tough day and we were very hungry. We decide to pop into a local pub for a quick bite to eat before we head home. Still in my work uniform with the company name proudly printed on my shirt I leave our table menu in hand to order the food at the bar. A lady stops me …. hhhmmmm she also was wearing a stupid hat but with those awful knitted plait thingy hanging down the sides - maybe hat wearing leads to stupidity? Anyway, so she stops me and says “excuse me do you know how much the carvery is?” I sort of look at the menu to try and help her but cant see it so I say “Sorry I don’t know” As I begin to walk away she asks “You don’t know the price?” and I reply “no not a clue”. She then asks “do you not work here?” To which I point on the company name on my shirt and say no. She is rightfully embarrassed and apologises. I recommend that she ask the men in the white shirts, checked trousers and big old hats standing behind the carvery counter. They can probably help.

Next time this happens I will go with idea of me working there and tell the customer that the carvery is on special offer today and is just £1. Then sit back and watch the row when the bill is handed over for £20!

Until next time …. stay non-stupid people xx

Today was all planned out. And in this life you have to have a plan. Plan was to go to Frankie and Benny’s which is opening in Chelmsford today. Me, my man and Moose (cousin).  Lunchtime countdown on. Can’t wait. Pass the time to lunch by going back to the start of Friends. I love that show and honestly can’t think of many if any shows that are THAT consistently funny. Maybe “the IT crowd” but I’ll save that for another post. So we watch lots of friends and Moose calls to say she probably wont be making lunch. That’s one nil to disappointment. She phones me from a pet shop and informs me that there is a fish for sale that has just one eye. She is desperate to buy said fish mostly as she wants to call him FSH! See what she did there? She took the old joke “what do you call a fish with no eye? FSH … and applied it cleverly to the naming of a disabled pet. A great equaliser for amusement. Moose is then told by Auntie Dawn (her mummy) that she is not allowed to have the fish as its lack of eye is freaking her out. Disappointment takes the lead one more.

A change of plan once more and the phone rings with the grand news that Moose will now indeed be joining us for lunch so game on … off to Frankie and Benny’s for what will no doubt be an awesome lunch. We pack off in oscar the focus (car) and pull up to the restaurant only to see it isn’t actually open. Disappointment is now running away with this day and I’m not happy. We settle on lunch at Prezzo and head off. While on the way Moose informs of that she was once led to believe that the duck billed platypus is a “self producing” creature and that only one can exist at any one time. Amusement pulls one back. Just as I regain breath from that little gem She also informs us that she was led to believe that a woman had been artificially inseminated with chimp sperm and was now pregnant with a chimp baby. Half man half chimp. Amusement once more equalises as my man begins to wonder what the hell he has got himself into with this family of mine!!

Lunch was actually great even though it wasn’t F&B. We got some donuts and headed home for a brew. Whilst there chilling on the sofa my man begins to play a one handed drum solo on my kneecap. We then realise my reflexes are very sensitive as my leg begins kicking out to the beat of the drum. Amusement takes the lead for the first time in the day. And the lead was well worth the wait.

So as this day draws to an end I have the joy of the work xmas dinner over the next few days. Not the kind where you go out and get drunk with your work lot. No no … the type where at lunchtime everyone sits down for a xmas dinner and its down to me to organise. Deep joy. So now I am off for a good nights sleep before preparing enough carrots, parsnips, potatoes and sprouts for 150 people.

Sleep well everyone. Ho ho ho xx

Ok here we go …. the eagerly anticipated Chinese mad dude tale.

For this story to work you really need to get a mad Chinese accent in your head - you know when its fast and very hard in accent …. roll with that.

I’m 19 years old. Working in a cafe for the same company I work for now. I out clearing tables when a mature Chinese lady approaches me and rather angrily asks (don’t forget to read this in a Chinese accent) “WHY SO BUSY TODAY?” Its been a long day so I kinda shrug my shoulders “dunno just one of those days”. She looks at me a little angrier than before and says a little bit louder “NO - WHY SO BUSY TODAY”. So now I am plain bored of this woman and say ever so slowly ” I DONT KNOW”. She shakes her head furiously, grabs me by the sleeve, marches me to the soup Turin and shouts a little slower than before “WHAT SOUP IS IT TODAY” (read it back in the slow Chinese accent) to which I reply “OHHHHHH CHICKEN NOODLE”

Easy mistake to make and perhaps not so much stupid customer as misunderstood customer. But …. whilst on the subject of stupidity ……..

At work this week, behind the hot chicken counter we have some new lines. They are chicken kebabs. We have sweet chilli flavour and bbq flavour. Now in the interest of anonymity the following story may or may not involve my manager and his name may or not be Rob …….

So this guy - lets call him Russ approaches my hot deli and says “oh are they the new chicken kebabs?” and I reply yes … he then asks “are they the chicken ones?” I look at him with all the WTF I can muster and he says “i meant are they the bbq ones” but the damage was done …. i promised at that moment that he or she who shall remain anonymous would be quoted on this very page!

So there we have it …. its clearly not just customers, they are obviously spreading the stupidty.

Stay non stupid people xx

And so with the first of December here I purchased some xmas ornaments today. After buying these I decided that I should put up my tree aswell. I braved the spiders and evil zombies that live in my loft/imagination and bought down the tree and decorations. I also found an old set of lights as some of you may remember the trouble i had last January (scroll back and read) I threw out last years lights. As always I carefully laid out all the colour coded branches and set about following the colour instructions on the tree. As I finished putting the fifth set of branches I realised there was no holes for the sixth set as I started too high up so just like the last three years I put this tree up I had to start all over again. I then set about putting the old lights on the tree. Naturally it took forever to untie the mess they were in and took even longer to put them on the tree. Half way up the tree as motion sickness from walking round and around and around the tree kicks in I think to myself “maybe I should check these lights actually work” I quickly bannish this thought and carry on round and around and around the tree. I stand back and cant help admire the way I have so evenly distributed the lights this year. Switch them on and only half work. And when I say half its not like every other light works. No, no, no. The bottom half of the tree is beautiful. Not one single light in the top half of the tree works. Not one. I can’t actually be bothered to change them though so I shall either buy a little set of lights to wrap round the top half or just go crazy with balls and other such decorations! The latter is the most likely to be honest.

Lego Batman has been completed ….. 100% …. that game was awesome and I actually miss it a little bit already!

The three fish are grand. I’m thinking of buying a new ornament or two for them but not sure what to get them …. suggestions via comments please!

That’s all for this Monday. Happy tree decorating all xx

This post comes late in the day after a very long and hard going week …. so much so I don’t have the energy to give the confusing Chinese customer story the full attention it deserves so that one is going on the back burner for one more week!

Its only now as I start to type I realise how tired I am and as such I don’t actually think I have the brain capacity to string an anecdote together so instead I am going for a few random irritations about customers.

1. When asking for ham they insist on pointing and saying “4 slices of that one”. They really don’t get that from behind the counter I cant see what they are pointing and why not just read the bloody label?

2. Customers who actually lean over the glass doors in able to point at what they want … do they think the glass is there to pose a challenge and obstruct their pointing antics?

3. Customers who ask where things are ….. without making any effort to find it themselves. Pure laziness.

4. Customers who ask where things are …. despite buying it every week for the past 5 years. Pure stupidity.

5. Customers who ask where things are then when you show them instead of saying thank you they feel the need to say “you will keep moving things” even though it hasn’t actually moved.

That’s enough for one night or I’ll be dreaming of them! I can tolerate dealing with them whilst being paid at work but I refuse to endure them when I am sleeping!!

Sweet Dreams xx